Falling Forward: A Lesson in Balance Yoga

"You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result." -Gandhi

                I love yoga, but for years I have been too cowardly to join the intimate space that is Main Street Yoga in Mansfield. I went to beginner’s yoga with my sister before I moved out of the area, and it was such a wonderful experience. But, at the time, I would never have imagined myself doing it without my sister or a friend. Several years have passed since that time, and much has changed. Now that I’m back in Mansfield again, I decided to dive back into the yoga scene head first.

                Main Street Yoga offers an annual 30 Days of Yoga Challenge, and I wanted in. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to commit to all thirty days with my schedule, so I chose a weekday that fit my routine and started weekly yoga instead. I chose Thursdays, which happened to be Balance Yoga this month. I assumed it would be a bit challenging, but I decided to suck it up and go for it. I do love a good challenge.

Dancer Pose.

                The first thought that came to me as I unraveled my sky blue yoga mat with the word Believe scrolled across the top, was that I may have been foolish to start this now, during challenge month, and on the night of what Kathleen had just warned me was for the most difficult poses in yoga. “Prepare to fall,” the flyer on the door cautioned me. But I stayed and I greeted the woman behind me who was advanced in her yoga practice. She and Kathleen discussed headstands as my fellow classmates shuffled into the room. If I wasn’t intimidated initially, I certainly was after seeing how effortlessly they both swung their feet into the air and held a headstand as if it were the casual way they watched television at night in their homes. I pretended to stretch or something. The room filled.

                Kathleen began the class by having us do a particular flow that the other women had been doing in the challenge for the previous three days, and that I wasn’t yet used to. Mountain pose, arms up, deep breath, forward fold, downward dog (ouch, my arms!), plank pose (very ouch!), cobra pose, back into downward dog, walk to center, and start again. My mind screamed “wait for me”, but I pretended as if I had been doing it all along with the other women. I felt embarrassed, although nobody was looking at me. They were focused on their own centers. I needed to figure that part out still.

                We tried several balance poses, and some were a struggle, but doable for me. Others were not so doable for me. I stumbled. I fell. Sometimes I couldn’t physically lift my body into the pose (like crow pose for example, which will continue to be my enemy for quite a while, I’m sure).

Crow Pose.

                If I had done this exact class ten years ago, I would have given up, humiliated at my failed efforts. But I came back the following week, prepared to fall a few more times and hoping to learn something new about my body. In the third week of Balance Yoga, we found partners and attempted poses as a team. Fortunately, I knew my partner from college and we were comfortable together. We laughed and enjoyed the challenge. Toward the end, I shrugged my shoulders and said, “We may have failed at this.” She reminded me that we tried our best, so we couldn’t have failed. She was right.

                The old Ashley wouldn’t have tried this class alone. She definitely would not have continued in this class, unable to do many of the poses and aware of how silly she looked attempting them. The old Ashley would have given up. That would have been failure. But the person I am trying to be now wants challenge. I want to climb on top of *difficult* and press my heels into it. I want to show *difficult* that I’m not afraid of it. I can feel my body fighting to get better. I can feel my muscles aching after each class and my forehead sweating. I can feel myself finding balance in more than one way, and even if I stumble or struggle, at least I’ve tried, and I’ll continue to try until I get better.

                Today will be the last day of my first month of yoga. I plan to return in May. I feel myself improving and getting stronger, and although it is a very little bit of improvement, it’s there. Instead of shutting down and saying “I can’t do this,” as I would have done in the past, I’m going to tell myself that I can and I am doing this. In a few years, I hope to have tackled crow pose, and maybe I’ll even be the one doing headstands with the experienced yogis in the front of the room. Until then, all I can do is try my best.